Keeping Faith In Times of Loss

After a few days, I realised that this was a test from Allah that I was meant for and that He promises people are not given a burden without the capacity to bear it. So I told myself my baby is still alive no matter what his condition in there, being able to carry him is a gift so I must try to do my best for him just as I did for my first born who had just turned 3 years old. 

 

Alhamdulillah even in the darkest times of my life and all the fears of what to expect now, I had a little voice at the back of my head saying 'everything will be okay'. It was like Allah just gave me an acceptance of His decree and a lightness and contentment I can't explain at this time - it was as though tranquility descended on me despite everything we were going through. I felt at peace knowing whatever was going to happen, ultimately my Lord the Creator and Giver of life would do what is best for my child. 

 

As someone who has lost children herself told me, Allah loves my child more than I do so surely He knows what is best for him even more than me or my husband could do. Any parent, given the choice would rather let their child have eternity in Paradise than suffer in this world filled with trials and pain even if that means sacrificing everything you dreamed of. So I prayed for Allah to do what is best for my child's deen, dunya and akhirah even if it meant taking him back. I pleaded Allah by His Infinite Power and Mercy to do what what was good for him. 

 

In the days following I did what I do best, I picked myself up and tried to get on with life, I found strength in my faith and in being a mother to my 3 year old who I was blessed with already in my life. I reached out to support groups, I read articles and got advice on how to cope with this kind of loss and I listened to Islamic reminders on what the rewards are of going through hardship and trials - ultimately I told myself this is my test to pass in life (and one I always knew deep down I could possibly face). I remember watching the parents of Palestine some days before I found out this news and seeing them burying their children on videos made me often cry as a mother and I was thinking how did they do that with unwavering faith? I guess Allah gave me my own trial to find the answer to that and my child is now amongst the birds of those special Palestinian children roaming freely in Paradise subahanAllah. 

 

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affair is all good, and this applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks and that is good for him, and if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.” [Muslim (5318)]

 

As we went to regular appointments, the medical prognosis was always the same and we were told not to have much hope. There was no clear reason this happened as we already had one healthy child mashaAllah. I knew if I asked the question 'why me?' it would never help me find any answers except that Allah did this out of His Divine wisdom to raise my status or to teach me about a strength and patience most people probably think they'd never have. Instead I asked myself 'why not me?' Perhaps Allah Knows I had the capacity, skills and intellect to cope or He just wanted to draw me closer to Him. I sought help and support from leaning on family and friends. We felt it best to prepare ourselves with the hope that a miracle is always possible by Allah, who says 'Be!' and it is in the Quran in Surah Yasin and Who Gives life and can do what felt like the impossible. I knew whatever Allah did it would be for his ultimate best and He can take away this precious gift as it was His creation. 

 

Even though it was excruciating to go through all this and a waiting period of not knowing when and how our child would be born, amidst all of that I found ease as Allah says, there is always ease in hardship. Most of all my 3 year old who is very emotionally intelligent alhamdulillah became the source of my comfort and consolation every time I felt sad. One day we were playing with Lego on the floor and he said to me 'I will help you down slowly', and by Allah he helped me so much to get through this time by holding my hand and making me laugh and smile at a time my world felt so uncertain.

 

Even though every parent knows how testing toddlers are, my child was my helper and that's why I felt the prayers I made for him 3 years ago were being finally shown to me. He showed wisdom, patience and understanding even though it was unbearable for me to be away from him in hospital whilst waiting to deliver his baby brother. I told him about Jannah, this big colourful house full of presents and candies and I remember one day he said to me after I came back, 'inshaAllah you feel better and baby brother won't hurt you.' I was already lucky to have experienced motherhood through my firstborn, and in those days he matured beyond my eyes. He held my hand and he kissed me on my forehead comforting me through all this and often his baby brother who he knew was there. 

 

Family members who Allah knows who they are went above and beyond to help us during this trial, from looking after Muadh to cooking meals for us, our friends even strangers did little kind things which made a big difference to help us through these testing times and in that we found ease alhamdulillah. Even the medical staff who soon got to know me through the regular visits were compassionate and kind to us as we went through this. May those who Allah placed to be there for us in our time of need be rewarded eternally for being there for us. Ameen. 

 

When I finally delivered, I made dua Allah make it easy for me and grant me ability to stay content with His decree and He made it swift for us. Everything from my delivery to my son's burial and my discharge happened within 24 hours. I am not displeased in any way with Allah for this test we went through, alhamdulillah it was all a blessing in disguise and even though it was tough I know deep down Allah will reward me with Paradise as long as I am patient. He is the Creator, Sustainer and Protector of all and He is able to take His gifts to us back even though we may want it so badly in this life it is better to have it in Jannah, an everlasting place where the children who passed away wait for their parents in colourful gardens with the Prophet Ibrahim (as). Even though the heart grieves and eyes fill with tears, I think of the Prophet (Pbuh) who lost all 6 of his children in his lifetime and what he overcame and endured to be worthy of Jannah. What a great day that will be worth striving and living for rather than the temporary joys and sorrows of this world for parents who have lost the most precious thing in this world. The pain will always be there and the tears will always fall but we have resolve and hope in the eternal bliss that hopefully awaits for enduring patiently to meet our baby boy again.

 

When a person’s child dies, Allah says to His angels, ‘You have taken the child of My slave.’

They say, ‘Yes.’

He says, ‘You have taken the apple of his eye.’

They say, ‘Yes.’

He says, ‘What did My slave say?’

They say, ‘He praised you and said “Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return).’

Allah says, ‘Build for My slave a house in Paradise and call it the house of praise.’”

[Al-Tirmidhi (942), Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1408]

 

Our second son Zayd named after the companion of the beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) who scribed the Quran and meaning excellence was born and came into this world after midnight on Tues 9th January. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Alhamdulillah ala kuli haal. All praises due to Allah in all conditions. I got to hold him immediately in my arms as I had prayed for and read Surah Fatiha and Surah Yasin to him. He was perfect to us just as every child is to their parents when they meet them so eagerly after carrying them for months. Zayd's heart was faintly beating by the one in whose Hands are all hearts til he passed away after delivery. Allah Al-Wahhab (the Most Loving) decided to take back his soul and we praised Him and said "Innalillahi wa Inna ilayhi rajiun." Verily to Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

 

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who is afflicted with a calamity and says that which Allah has enjoined, Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon. Allaahumma ajurni fi museebati wakhluf li khayran minha (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, reward me for my calamity and compensate me with something better than it), but Allah will compensate him with something better than it.)”

 

We spent a few hours with him, holding him, kissing him and cherishing him before preparing him to go back to His Creator and Sustainer. Those will be among the most treasured moments of my life even though Zayd did not see this world. I will always cherish these moments we got with him and our memories of holding him in my arms. I know for certain Allah wanted the best for him so I am happy with that and that all of my life's lessons culminated into preparing me to deal with this. The favours of Allah and honour on me to carry His gift are too many to enumerate or truly grateful for as He is Ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate.

 

May the passing of Zayd remind us of the infinite mercy of our Lord, the countless favours He bestows on us every day, in the need to have yaqeen (conviction) in His decree, in running towards Allah in times of ease and hardship, that our children are gifts entrusted to us, that we must endure patiently for good ends await and that Allah is always Near and answers our prayers. 

 

The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord. Oh, Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.”

[Sahih al-Bukhari 1303]

 

Mum of Zayd